getting to yes

types

unnecessary conflicts

• different interests but same goals
• different interests but non-conflicting goals
• simply avoid
• reduce by not sharing irrelevant opinions
• reduce by not being too honest / clear about interests

smoldering conflicts

• out of desire to not embarass others / preserve harmony
• but conflicting goals & interests
• initiate as only gets worse

active conflicts

• open disagreements of goals & interests
• initiate as only gets worse

about arguments

thinking in right or wrong not helpful in conflicts

"winning" arguments

• two opposing opinions means one is wrong
• hence opponents lecture or judge the other
• little time for logical reasoning
• as must come up with next argument to "destroy" the opponent

decompose arguments

• each contains facts, self revelations, relationships and call to actions
• facts and relationship are often mixed
• leading to discussions about the facts but problem is relationship

imbalance of impression

cause of action

• seems reasonable within the context
• but are judged without context and credited to character

way of reasoning

• seems assertive, communicative
• like being careful or strong in an argument
• but may seem ruthless, talkative
• like a coward, or a know-it-all

judgment

• focus on specific aspects
• but conclusions may differ as different aspects observed

change proposals

• seem cautious and reasonable
• but may radically interpreted until clearly negative

principles of communication

separate knowledge from interpretation

• differentiate what you know and what you concluded
• be aware of the unknown unknowns

clearly communicate expectations

• define deliverables & their relative importance
• define responsibilities and how deviations are handled
• invest time to clarify these points (as later more costly)

constructive feedback

give positive feedback whenever appropriate, be aware that positive behaviours are harder to detect
choose quiet/relaxes location & time frame to be able to focus
let the receiver prepare internally by asking multiple times ("i would like to give feedback to ...", "is now a good time")

give

• be respectful
• describe specific behaviours
• do not evaluate, instead describe how it affects oneself ("I have a problem with this because ...")
• propose alternative and justify the interests
• do not evaluate or focus on character

take

• be relaxed and thankful
• actively listen (let other finish speaking, be curious & ask for clarifications if needed)
• do not defend, justify
• reflect & draw conclusions / change behaviours

non-violent communication

• observe facts ("i see there are used socks on the floor")
• note feelings ("this makes me uncomfortable")
• uncover desires ("i want order in the house")
• make explicit requests ("would you be willing to put these away?")

mirror/interview conversations

others most likely to change if arrived at conclusion by themselves
can guide by "interviewing" them
needs high attention, sensitivity and fast thinking.

guidelines

• ask neutral question
• summarize continuously the brought up points without assessing them
• confirm that the summary is complete and accurate
• proceed with the next questions

address unspoken conflicts

check for signs of suppressed aggressions or otherwise unhealthy behaviours
avoid to interpret & assess, instead only describe what you see/feel

tools

• observations ("I can see that you frizzy your forehead") without interpretation ("you are annoyed")
• subjective interpretation ("it seems to me that you are not convinced")
• questions about the view of the other ("what do you think about the proposal")

resolve conflict

the "discover mode"

• always assume good intentions
• investigate point of view of the other
• show interest, respect, try to understand perspective
• summarize understood points and ask for confirmation
• then ask to summarize own point of view

formulations to avoid

• accusations ("you")
• claiming objectivity ("it is obvious")
• usage of micro-aggressions ("unrealistic")
• usage of generalizations ("always", "never")
• demanding/prohibiting ("you can not seriously think ...").

constructively disagree

• clearly show what follows are own points of view
• formulate interests, expectations and opinions
• like "I see this differently", "I assume our customers ...", "I am angry").
• then call to action ("lets find out", "what is your point of view").

stop attacks

• do not ignore (because attacker may continue)
• do not defend (because may escalate)
• acknowledge the attack (but only as little as needed to stop them)
• shift focus back on subject

deescalate

• calm down internally (sit down, breath deeply)
• observe and describe current situation/communication pattern
• like "we are annoying each other because ..."
• appeal to noble cause of each participant
• like "we are all here because we ..."
• then propose to focus on interests & targets
• like "how can we reach our target of..."

interest based discussion

• preserve face as interests do not change
• only positions need to