crucial conversations

start with heart

interests based discussion
keep reflecting if own behaviour still represents interests

avoid fools choice

• winning vs loosing, peace vs honesty
• combine wants and not-wants to get true interest to pursue

learn to look

content & conditions and discussion matters
lost safety motivates defensive mechanisms
watch behaviour / body language for perceived lost safety

silence

• masking (hiding true opinion)
• avoiding (only superficial talks)
• withdrawing (exit talks)

violence

• controlling (coercing others)
• like overstating facts, speaking in absolutes, directive questions, ...
• labelling (dismiss using stereotype ideas/persons)
• attacking (belittling & threatening)

make it safe

ensure mutual purpose (entrance condition)
believable honest motives & interest in others' goals, values
and mutual respect (continuance condition)
believable respect based on similarities & mutual interests
as soon as one of the two lost must recover
before continuing with conversation

apologize

• when respect was violated
• sincere / without face-saving apology
• recognise causing / not preventing harm

contrast

• when misunderstandings
• not an apology, but an explanation of intentions
• address concerns that purpose was malicious
• "i dont want to disrespect / bad purpose"
• declare what the target was/is
• "i do want to show appreciation; I will do this later"

create mutual purpose

• when no misunderstandings but different interests collide
• (c)ommit to stay in discussion until solution is found
• (r)ecognise purpose (what the real interest is)
• (i)nvent mutual purpose (focus on stronger / higher goals)
• (b)rainstorm new strategies (invent options for mutual benefit)